Popping Up

I have a theory, just based on a week’s long observation of being on ADD medication for the first time ever (or any longer-duration medication, whether physical or mental, for that matter). Not a whole lot of data, maybe, but enough information to play around in and with.

Broadly, I’ve noticed two kinds of effects, which in a weird way go hand in hand. Or are sequential. From the moment the medication does what it is ‘supposed’ to do. To the tapering off/wearing off of it. Both experiences are new to me.

1. This is the part where I feel the medication ‘doing its job’ (although I can’t really know how it should feel, I do generally experience it as ‘feeling better’). More focus, clearer in my head, more on task and being able to get things done. I also feel more active/pro-active.
2. This, so far, has been most clear towards the end of the day (like now) when the intended workings of the medication start taking a back seat: and that is where I more consciously, outwardly start experiencing my ADD symptoms.

What I mean by that last line, is this: I’ve never been really aware of my ADD signs, as they have been really repressed and invisible. To me, that is. They may have been very obvious to others; although I think I’ve also done a decent job masking and hiding.

And I’m actually excited about this part, because it feels healing to me. This is where my rough draft theory comes in: the use of the medication (and the so far positive response to it) – and the signals it gives to my body-mind-soul – tells the repressed, hidden ADD part of me that it is safe to come out. To show itself. I’m able and ready to help you now. Plus, the fog is clearing and I’m gaining more self-awareness.

I can feel actual relief in my body (like a relaxing warmth), letting those symptoms pop up to the surface and acknowledging them. One of those things, that actually instigated this post, was that I was trying to watch a movie (and this is the part of the day where the medication has run its course). And for the love of God, I could not pay attention or stay interested. Not even for a few minutes. And then something clicked in me, and recognized it as one of many telltale signs of ADD. And it wasn’t so much that I wasn’t interested, or didn’t want to relax and watch a movie. I found that I just couldn’t. And in that moment I became aware of the fact that that had always been with me.

I wish I could explain this more clearly : ) But it’s realtime self-discovery and self-acceptance. Yes, that’s why it feels relieving and healing. It’s like something is thawing in me, and forgotten, hidden and repressed parts in me are coming out, to be integrated. Defragmentation.

And as I was writing this, in the background I saw many connecting dots in my natal chart, regarding what’s happening. But that is something for another post. I need a little bit of quiet cocooning now : )

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