Filling In Blanks

I feel like I’m finding pieces of myself back. Having the ADD medication…it feels like a Godsend. It feels like I’ve been given a key that opens a door. It’s not that the medication is just an isolated, stand-alone  catalyst (or an instant fix-it-all), but it feels like a culmination point in my life, and I’m beginning to write the next chapter. Even though there is still writer’s block I need to get through…and I have to remember and learn how to spell certain new words. Words that weren’t part of my vocabulary.

The door…it’s the door to my 12th house. My 12th house is ruled by Aries (head), and my head/brain has been foggy/unclear (= Neptune/Pisces,  natural ruler of 12th house; plus I have South Node Pisces). A great lack of self-(Aries)-awareness and presence (attention deficit, right?) . At the end of March of this year, transiting Uranus entered my 12th house, crossing the Aries cusp, throwing crackling lightning into it. Eversince, I’ve been experiencing more insights (stuff hidden in nebulous subconcious) about myself. Getting to know myself a little better, bit by bit,  as my own person, and finding it easier to own and integrate those missing pieces of me.

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– Coming up for air –

My natal Uranus is in the sixth house, house of healing. So once I got the ADD medication, it suddenly (Uranus) opened a world for me.

And where everything before was a murky soup, where I couldn’t see the forest for the trees, now I’m able to have a clearer perspective on other issues I struggle with. So, after understaning the first layer of mostly ADD-related issues in me (and putting those in one box, for now), I became more aware of other out of balance parts in me that stem from emotional neglect and a lack of healthy self-care.

And although my wife and I talked about  emotional neglect during childhood before, only in recent days it started clicking. I was doing some more research on it, and I could check off many signs/symptoms. Emotional neglect is the absence of something intangible but so vital to feel good and safe in yourself  and being able to cope with life, as your own person. It leaves a blank, a void, which why it’s so hard to put your finger on it.

Letting the truth of that sink in, brings me relief. ‘Yes, that’s it…’. I feel I can work with this. I’m regaining some compassion for myself. And, even just briefly writing about it helps me acknowledge it. But I also need to sit with it, because it retroactively shines such a new light over my life. With it I feel parts of me getting some much-needed oxygen. Just letting it be true that that has been the reality of my life growing up.

And the work continues…as does the growing up : )

 

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Separation Issues

Although I have many misgivings about the pharmaceutical industry, modern medicine and a generally very narrow, linear, fragmented approach to healing, I also want to acknowledge how I’m benefiting from the ADD medication I’ve been prescribed.

To be able to get there I had to separate two things: getting help from modern medicine (and also overcoming the stigma/fear concerning mental disease, which I feel is part of my family’s karma), didn’t mean I was subscribing to the whole workings of the medical-industrial complex.

This reminds me of my piano lessons when I was a young boy. I did like playing piano and I know that music is an intrinsic part of me [despite how it has been absent from my life, way more than is good for me…I’m still struggling with it, enjoying and making music, but I’m starting to get back closer to it].

So, I was always dreading the lessons, they felt more like a chore to me. Just like practicing. Even though I do feel the piano is *my* instrument. Oh, only now I realize why I struggled with that. I’m still having to get used to seeing my life and my experiences through ADD-glasses…That definitely played a big part in it. I also think the way it was structured, although good to get an initial start, wasn’t the best way for me. But I had no idea back then. Anyway, the weekly lessons really started to weigh on me. And luckily, something, at least for a brief moment, clicked in me. And that was that quitting piano lessons, didn’t mean I had to give up playing piano. For myself, in my own way. Then I was able to let my parents know I wanted to quit the piano lessons. And it brought me so much relief.

Even though as a whole, modern medicine in its current form isn’t my ‘thing’, doesn’t mean there isn’t something in it for me (the proverbial baby/bathwater thing), certain people, certain treatments, that are helpful and valuable to me. It’s the universe’s way of wanting to provide for me, supporting me on my path.

And I had to deal with my own judgments, fears and pride. Which progression did show in the people who crossed my path…from the not so helpful, understanding…to eventually those who now are helping me move forward. When I was ready…enough.

I already described some ways of how the medication already is opening up my life, helping me tilt up my head a bit more to see the horizon. And without a horizon you would never be able to enjoy a sunset.

I had set out to write about something else, but this is what wanted to come out. It’s just what I needed.

Popping Up

I have a theory, just based on a week’s long observation of being on ADD medication for the first time ever (or any longer-duration medication, whether physical or mental, for that matter). Not a whole lot of data, maybe, but enough information to play around in and with.

Broadly, I’ve noticed two kinds of effects, which in a weird way go hand in hand. Or are sequential. From the moment the medication does what it is ‘supposed’ to do. To the tapering off/wearing off of it. Both experiences are new to me.

1. This is the part where I feel the medication ‘doing its job’ (although I can’t really know how it should feel, I do generally experience it as ‘feeling better’). More focus, clearer in my head, more on task and being able to get things done. I also feel more active/pro-active.
2. This, so far, has been most clear towards the end of the day (like now) when the intended workings of the medication start taking a back seat: and that is where I more consciously, outwardly start experiencing my ADD symptoms.

What I mean by that last line, is this: I’ve never been really aware of my ADD signs, as they have been really repressed and invisible. To me, that is. They may have been very obvious to others; although I think I’ve also done a decent job masking and hiding.

And I’m actually excited about this part, because it feels healing to me. This is where my rough draft theory comes in: the use of the medication (and the so far positive response to it) – and the signals it gives to my body-mind-soul – tells the repressed, hidden ADD part of me that it is safe to come out. To show itself. I’m able and ready to help you now. Plus, the fog is clearing and I’m gaining more self-awareness.

I can feel actual relief in my body (like a relaxing warmth), letting those symptoms pop up to the surface and acknowledging them. One of those things, that actually instigated this post, was that I was trying to watch a movie (and this is the part of the day where the medication has run its course). And for the love of God, I could not pay attention or stay interested. Not even for a few minutes. And then something clicked in me, and recognized it as one of many telltale signs of ADD. And it wasn’t so much that I wasn’t interested, or didn’t want to relax and watch a movie. I found that I just couldn’t. And in that moment I became aware of the fact that that had always been with me.

I wish I could explain this more clearly : ) But it’s realtime self-discovery and self-acceptance. Yes, that’s why it feels relieving and healing. It’s like something is thawing in me, and forgotten, hidden and repressed parts in me are coming out, to be integrated. Defragmentation.

And as I was writing this, in the background I saw many connecting dots in my natal chart, regarding what’s happening. But that is something for another post. I need a little bit of quiet cocooning now : )