Filling In Blanks

I feel like I’m finding pieces of myself back. Having the ADD medication…it feels like a Godsend. It feels like I’ve been given a key that opens a door. It’s not that the medication is just an isolated, stand-alone  catalyst (or an instant fix-it-all), but it feels like a culmination point in my life, and I’m beginning to write the next chapter. Even though there is still writer’s block I need to get through…and I have to remember and learn how to spell certain new words. Words that weren’t part of my vocabulary.

The door…it’s the door to my 12th house. My 12th house is ruled by Aries (head), and my head/brain has been foggy/unclear (= Neptune/Pisces,  natural ruler of 12th house; plus I have South Node Pisces). A great lack of self-(Aries)-awareness and presence (attention deficit, right?) . At the end of March of this year, transiting Uranus entered my 12th house, crossing the Aries cusp, throwing crackling lightning into it. Eversince, I’ve been experiencing more insights (stuff hidden in nebulous subconcious) about myself. Getting to know myself a little better, bit by bit,  as my own person, and finding it easier to own and integrate those missing pieces of me.

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– Coming up for air –

My natal Uranus is in the sixth house, house of healing. So once I got the ADD medication, it suddenly (Uranus) opened a world for me.

And where everything before was a murky soup, where I couldn’t see the forest for the trees, now I’m able to have a clearer perspective on other issues I struggle with. So, after understaning the first layer of mostly ADD-related issues in me (and putting those in one box, for now), I became more aware of other out of balance parts in me that stem from emotional neglect and a lack of healthy self-care.

And although my wife and I talked about  emotional neglect during childhood before, only in recent days it started clicking. I was doing some more research on it, and I could check off many signs/symptoms. Emotional neglect is the absence of something intangible but so vital to feel good and safe in yourself  and being able to cope with life, as your own person. It leaves a blank, a void, which why it’s so hard to put your finger on it.

Letting the truth of that sink in, brings me relief. ‘Yes, that’s it…’. I feel I can work with this. I’m regaining some compassion for myself. And, even just briefly writing about it helps me acknowledge it. But I also need to sit with it, because it retroactively shines such a new light over my life. With it I feel parts of me getting some much-needed oxygen. Just letting it be true that that has been the reality of my life growing up.

And the work continues…as does the growing up : )

 

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Sticky Notes

There is a bunch of post-it notes sticking on the table next to my laptop. Quick scribbles from web searches and my own ADD wonderments, as I’m getting to understand more of myself. I can feel how it addresses a void in me…or how it speaks to a part of me that is interested in health, science and for a lack of a better word, spirituality…that word feels so off to me (like I’m spitting on someone’s grave…huh…weird) even though it’s all I have to point into a general direction. Anyway, let’s just go with it for now.

I never thought I would write down the words ‘left dorsolateral prefrontal cortex’. But there you have it. And I did it twice. Once on a post-it note, and now here again. And now I feel I’m just bragging. But just having a very very general idea of what it alludes to, is enough for me. It gives me a direction for exploration and observation in my own body. Because it is already helping me getting a bit more of a sense where in my head things are over/underactive/frozen, and how it pings to other parts in my body. Which hits important points in my natal chart (yes, astrology. Virgo North Node, Virgo Saturn and Uranus in the sixth house).

God, the word ‘spirituality’ is still bugging me. It makes my stomach queasy (Virgo) …that’s actually pretty funny.

So one thing that I really missed and that poked his head out a few days ago, is exactly the researching, exploring and studying part of me, that has been over-neglected for years and years. But it made so much sense to me when I was reading a list of signs of dopamine deficiency (associated with a myriad of mental health problems, including ADD/ADHD). I came across this which I’m still contemplating whether it makes me cry or not:

Learning problems: If you’re a person with low dopamine and are attempting to learn new information, your ability to learn is diminished. It may seem as if you’re reading or hearing information, but it’s going in one ear and out the other. Almost like you cannot absorb the new informational stimuli that you’ve presented your brain.

Yes! And…yes!

It’s like seeing a unicorn for the first time…you know, that first time is always special.

Until reading that I didn’t know how much I had been struggling with that and how heavy it has weighed on me. Never had I been able to put my finger on it, what it was that information most of the time didn’t really stuck or clicked. Crystalized. It took an assessment test, earlier this year, to remind me that I’m pretty smart, even compared to peers in the college degree bracket. But I had forgotten. Or it had lost its meaning, because my actual real life output/impact has been basically zero for years. But seeing those test results gave me some of my confidence back.

So, a few days back, on the train (where I wrote my previous blog post), I got this feeling of wanting to explore/study/learn, but now with this budding new sensation (direct effect of the medication) of being able to focus and synthesize what I’m actually wanting to learn. I feel it will open a whole new world for me. So far, with studying (high school, college) …now I see how I did it mostly on discipline, intelligence, passing tests…but I never actually enjoyed it. Wow, that is actually a new realization, but pretty true. And now I understand why. In this department for years I also felt like a slacker. Or not being ambitious.

And why it often irritated me seeing happy-peppy people talking about how they love to grow and learn new things. It made me feel like ‘spirituality’ 🙂 But that’s because I associated that with a totally different process, than where they were coming from…Hmmm, I need to sit with that for a bit. Once you’ve seen one unicorn…