Filling In Blanks

I feel like I’m finding pieces of myself back. Having the ADD medication…it feels like a Godsend. It feels like I’ve been given a key that opens a door. It’s not that the medication is just an isolated, stand-alone  catalyst (or an instant fix-it-all), but it feels like a culmination point in my life, and I’m beginning to write the next chapter. Even though there is still writer’s block I need to get through…and I have to remember and learn how to spell certain new words. Words that weren’t part of my vocabulary.

The door…it’s the door to my 12th house. My 12th house is ruled by Aries (head), and my head/brain has been foggy/unclear (= Neptune/Pisces,  natural ruler of 12th house; plus I have South Node Pisces). A great lack of self-(Aries)-awareness and presence (attention deficit, right?) . At the end of March of this year, transiting Uranus entered my 12th house, crossing the Aries cusp, throwing crackling lightning into it. Eversince, I’ve been experiencing more insights (stuff hidden in nebulous subconcious) about myself. Getting to know myself a little better, bit by bit,  as my own person, and finding it easier to own and integrate those missing pieces of me.

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– Coming up for air –

My natal Uranus is in the sixth house, house of healing. So once I got the ADD medication, it suddenly (Uranus) opened a world for me.

And where everything before was a murky soup, where I couldn’t see the forest for the trees, now I’m able to have a clearer perspective on other issues I struggle with. So, after understaning the first layer of mostly ADD-related issues in me (and putting those in one box, for now), I became more aware of other out of balance parts in me that stem from emotional neglect and a lack of healthy self-care.

And although my wife and I talked about  emotional neglect during childhood before, only in recent days it started clicking. I was doing some more research on it, and I could check off many signs/symptoms. Emotional neglect is the absence of something intangible but so vital to feel good and safe in yourself  and being able to cope with life, as your own person. It leaves a blank, a void, which why it’s so hard to put your finger on it.

Letting the truth of that sink in, brings me relief. ‘Yes, that’s it…’. I feel I can work with this. I’m regaining some compassion for myself. And, even just briefly writing about it helps me acknowledge it. But I also need to sit with it, because it retroactively shines such a new light over my life. With it I feel parts of me getting some much-needed oxygen. Just letting it be true that that has been the reality of my life growing up.

And the work continues…as does the growing up : )

 

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